I was about to ask you out.
I ran it by Robert, and he's totally cool with it.
Did he sign the permission slip?
I was thinking I could bring dinner over tomorrow night.
Why the hell would you wanna do that?
I would like you to meet Henry.
- ROBERT: Meet the new man? - FRANCES: Mm-hmm.
Yeah... yeah!
I'm Taylor's grandfather. The shoplifter.
Hostile grandpa.
TAYLOR'S GRANDPA: You straightened me out.
I feel like I owe you a dinner.
Henry, this guy, Jeremy, asks my permission
to ask Frances out on a date.
I hate the idea of Frances going on a date with Jeremy.
And I'm not even married to her anymore.
No, I want Frances to do whatever she likes.
You know what? I'm gonna choose to believe you don't mean that.
I don't understand. How did you leave it?
Oh, who knows? But apparently,
I'm at liberty to do whatever I want.
♪ ♪
DIANE: I mean, I still say you should take him at his word.
He said you could do whatever you want,
so proceed.
Open lane.
- Whip it out. - Oh, God,
please stop. It's a high school basketball trip.
Nobody's whippin' anything out.
- Can you pop the trunk? - All right.
I mean, it's not like you're jumping into some wild orgy
in a weird apartment on 12th Avenue.
It's called "seeing other people."
(GROANING) Stop.
All right, I guess I'm just having more fun with this than you are.
I guess you are.
Okay, and that, my friend,
is the trifle in question.
Twelve o'clock. Roman profile.
Tartan scarf.
- That's Jeremy? - Mm-hmm.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Oh, I beg of you, please fuck him for all of us.
Oh, God.
♪ ♪
- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --
Goddammit. I can't find my phone.
Can you call it?
(PHONE RINGING)
There's that little prick.
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
ROBERT (ON PHONE): Officially losing my shit.
It was in the medicine cabinet.
JACKIE (ON PHONE): Well, you have a lot on your mind.
A lot of distractions.
Well, it is a big weekend.
- You know, stressful. - At least Frances will be there.
(SIGHING): That's fun. A little bonus.
Like, I don't really care one way or the other.
She's just a chaperone.
Well, hopefully you guys will get to hang out a little bit.
(ROBERT SIGHS)
Jackie.
You really gotta stop with this stuff.
Come on.
I don't have feelings like that for her anymore, okay?
(PHONE BEEPING)
- GIRL 1: Lila, over here! - GIRL 2: Hey, Lila.
Oh, oh. Hey, hey, hey. Hi.
I, um, got your Kind bars, saline spray.
Oh, and don't forget you've gotta check in with me.
- Remember... - Mom, shhh, you're embarrassing me.
Lila, it's a... it's a food hand-off.
It's not like I'm doing "the robot" in the parking lot.
But I could.
- Mom? - What?
I just wanna be with my friends this weekend.
Don't feel bad,
just try not to talk to me,
joke around, or be anywhere near me.
The entire time?
Mom, yes, oh, my God!
All right.
You're so strict!
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey.
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
♪ ♪
Okay.
- Hi. - Hi.
My uncle's teaching me the banjo.
Oh, really?
My mom hates banjos.
She says, "What do you call
a hundred banjo players up to their necks in water?"
I don't know, what?
"Not enough water."
(POLITE CHUCKLE) Oh, yeah. Yep.
Well...
Different tastes.
(BUS DOOR CLOSES)
♪ ♪
(SHOUTING GOODBYES)
_
AGNES: He has...
I wanna say, like, 50 banjos in his collection.
One's from the 19th century, and it's worth, like...
(MIMICS EXPLOSION)
Seriously, the next time you're in Rhode Island,
you should go to his banjo museum.
There's even a little room where you can buy sandwiches.
I'm just...
so rarely up that way.
Okay, girls. Listen up, listen up.
This is an official school trip,
so school rules of conduct apply.
All right, what are those rules?
No drinking, no smoking, no wire fraud,
no malfeasance of any kind.
You break one of these rules,
you're gonna have to sit the game.
All right, now, that aside,
I just wanna say how proud I am of this team.
You girls really inspired me this season.
And I just hope that maybe
- I've managed to inspire... - (CAR HONKING)
- GIRL: Oh, my God, it's Jason Campbell! - (GIRLS SQUEALING)
(BOYS SHOUTING)
Oh, my God, you've got to see this woman right behind us.
Don't stare, though.
Her tits sure didn't look like that at her junior prom.
These virgin Bloody Marys taste like
somebody pissed into a can of V8.
I really enjoy your company, Diane.
Yes, I do have that effect on people.
And I've been told that I'm a bit of a firecracker.
(CHUCKLES)
And, well, you... you...
you have...
you... you have sort of an appealing zing about you.
What do you say we add a splash of glue to this little accord?
I'm sorry, a splash of what to this little what-what?
We both enjoy good food, conversation.
I love the theater, traveling.
I think we'd make a fun combo.
Well, fun is a big word. (CHUCKLES)
I'd like to show you something.
FRANCES: So, I don't know.
I guess we're taking a little break.
I just have to accept it's, you know,
this is a mature relationship
and people have their differences and not...
(OBJECT CLATTERS)
Whoa.
(ROCK MUSIC OVER STORE SPEAKERS)
(LOUD CHATTERING)
Cute couple.
JEREMY: Yeah.
Probably on their way to church.
Well... we could all use a little church.
Hi there, checking in?
(CHUCKLES) If it were only just me.
No, I've got an entire girls basketball team in my bag.
Ha, ha.
Hey.
Jason Campbell.
Let's make this a one-off: no bullshit this weekend.
Keep the noise down and behave, you feel me?
Point taken, Coach.
- (MOUTHING) - (BOYS GIGGLING)
Move it along.
I can smell your bong water.
I admit I'm far from perfect
and, you know, maybe I've been a little less attentive lately
and, you know, maybe I should have jumped in
when he talked about drinking laundry detergent.
But now he's just completely fabricating things.
AARON: They're all so self-absorbed.
I've gotta lawyer up now just because a dozen patients
complained that I habitually cancel appointments?
Sorry, I have a life.
DALLAS: All right, now, look at this. This is another lie.
He claims that I have been frequently and cruelly combative.
All right, one time.
One time, I politely asked him
to just collapse his drippy umbrella,
and he got hostile. And yeah,
you know, it got a little heated.
I have a large sign right in the waiting room:
"Leave all drippy umbrellas on the doormat."
For them, that becomes a test.
What a philistine this guy is,
stating that I had sex with his wife.
I merely guided them through couples counseling.
And when that proved futile, we made love.
She was my... sweet obsession.
Now, she won't even return my calls.
Well, I've had very much the...
Well, if not exactly the same experience as him.
My son has completely erased me from his life.
Same with my daughter.
I haven't heard from Brian in ten months.
♪ ♪
(GLASS CLINKING)
What do you got there, Cecily?
It sounds like bottles.
Ketchup.
There was a sale.
JEREMY: Let it slide, Robert. She feels awful about it.
ROBERT: I feel awful about it, too,
but the rules are the rules, Jeremy.
She practically had an entire liquor store in that bag.
(CECILY GROANING)
I told you it wasn't mine.
Some kid gave it to me. I was just holding it for her.
Oh, Cecily. Not to embarrass you,
but that old chestnut's from 1810.
Oh, well, that's not gonna help you.
If you bench her, we lose the game.
ROBERT: You're probably right.
She's your niece.
Maybe you should've been keeping an eye on her.
FRANCES: Okay, you know what, you know what?
As one of the chaperones,
I'm gonna officially call it, okay?
She doesn't play. She's not playing.
It sucks, I know, but she messed up.
So, let the school deal with it on Monday.
ROBERT: We have rules for a reason.
Cecily broke a rule.
So we have no choice,
but to bench her the entire game.
GIRLS: What? Wait, what?
Agnes Diffenbaugh will be subbing.
- (GIRLS GROANING) - GIRL: No way.
You're making the biggest mistake of your life.
Thank you, Agnes.
- Wow. - I bought it a long time ago.
I sometimes use it as a spare office
or a place for friends to stay when they come to town.
(SIGHING) I forgot what this city looks like.
If you want, if you like it,
it's yours, Diane.
You mean for free?
(CHUCKLING) Well, yeah.
Are you sure?
Sure, why not? You do whatever you like.
Refurnish the entire place if you want.
Yeah, furniture is a little vomity.
Oh, wow.
♪ ♪
Just to hash this out a tiny bit more.
Going to the theater, great.
Nice dinners, lovely.
A little travel, superbo.
But after we toss all that in the Cuisinart,
does it mean... ?
Does it mean that... ?
You... ?
That you'd have to answer my occasional knock on the door?
Yeah.
(STOMPING AND CLAPPING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
You're part of a team, Agnes.
Everyone's here to help each other.
I was never baptized.
My parents meant to,
but it fell through the cracks.
You're gonna do fine, I promise.
But I was never baptized.
Okay. Oh, Lordy.
Oh!
Just need that for a second.
I hereby baptize Agnes,
a Lady Raider in good standing,
sparkling conversationalist,
and lover of banjos.
Amen.
Okay, up, up, up.
Good girl.
♪ ♪
(CROWD CHEERING)
Oh, Agnes!
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
(BUZZER SOUNDING)
♪ ♪
Okay, you're, you're not gonna love this, but...
Okay, okay, come on. Let's shake this off.
Let's shake this off, Raiders.
Now, for me, personally,
uh, in times like these, I find myself reminded
of the "Theme from Mahogany."
Really? Noth... no?
Wow, it's a classic. Well, ask your parents.
The point is that your dreams don't have to die,
as long as you remember where you've been.
And where you're going.
♪ Do you know where you're going to? ♪
♪ Do you like the things that life is showing you? ♪
♪ Where are you going to? ♪ ♪ Do you know? ♪
♪ Do you get what you're hoping for, Lila? ♪
♪ When you look behind you, there's no open door ♪
♪ What are you hoping for? ♪
♪ Do you know? ♪
CECILY: I'll break it down.
You played like a bunch of pussies.
Let's party, motherfuckers!
Let's blow this shit up!
(GIRLS CHEERING)
Fair point. You know, there's that.
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
Hey, how'd it go?
- Ah, not so good. - I'm sorry.
Do you wanna get a drink and talk about it later?
I get off at 11.
That's very sweet, but no, I... I'm pretty wrung out, so.
- And I'm married. - Yeah, I saw the ring.
Makes me horny.
FRANCES: I don't know, some might say you're wrestling
between savory and sweet.
- Fair enough? - (JEREMY CHUCKLING)
So, here's the bad news, church girl.
Although I find you mildly amusing,
there's just zero attraction.
Hmmm.
Well, I can also play cards and dance a little.
(SCOFFING)
Now you tell me.
- (ELEVATOR BEEPS) - (DOOR OPENING)
Room 317, sister.
(LOUD HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)
(BOY YELLING)
- (GRUNTS) - (LAUGHTER)
(GIRL SCREAMS)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
ROBERT: Girls!
This is done.
Take the cart back downstairs.
I want everybody in their room in ten minutes.
Spread the word before I go looking for people.
Quite frankly, I'm very disappointed.
FRANCES: (KNOCKING) Hello?
Okay, sorry. I know Lila's dying right now,
but I got a job to do. All right, one, two, three.
Apparently, everybody's breathing.
- Yes, I believe so. - All right, then.
Check complete. Good.
None of you left the room tonight, right?
No, we're avoiding the jackasses.
That's my girl.
Oh! Oh! Mom!
What was that Lifetime movie we saw that one time
about the guy who makes a scarecrow
that looks like his dead wife and then marries it?
Um, uh, "Straw for Scarlett."
- Yeah, "Straw for Scarlett"! - ASHLEY: Ah, that's creepy.
Classic.
(CHAIR SLIDING)
- Hey. - Hi.
Hi.
How long you...
how long are you gonna be sitting out here?
Probably until sun up.
As long as that termite Jason Campbell is in house...
anything's possible.
Oh, God, Robert. I mean, you know,
it's been such a long day.
You know, maybe get some rest.
Get some nice... restorative REM sleep
where you're just out, you know?
You're just comatose.
Negative.
I'm here to hold the bridgehead.
All night.
Okay.
And I told them, I said, "I need my weekends."
You know? I...
Fuck me.
The stamp collectors are here again.
(DOOR SQUEAKS, CLOSES)
(BARKING, KNOCKING)
Oh, my God, what is that sound?
Jason!
Step away from the girl.
Hey, Coach, I was just about to help Cecily
with her robotics homework.
I want you to picture something, Jason.
The future. You, a holding cell,
with a couple of fellas
who just don't appreciate your special brand of irreverence.
Now, I want you to disappear and meditate on that.
Go on now.
Run away, little man.
♪ ♪
You didn't see a guy out here
with a bag of ginger chicken, did you?
Nope.
Thirty minutes my ass.
(DOOR SLOWLY SQUEAKS OPEN)
Shit.
(ROBERT SNORING)
(SOFTLY KNOCKING)
- (DOOR OPENS) - Shh.
(RAPID KNOCKING)
(GIGGLING)
(SNORING)
Buddy boy,
I am going to take you apart like a cheap watch.
Hey! I just bought that.
Bill me.
Drink. Fuck. Your room. Now.
Jesus, did you have a stroke?
What? No, wait, wait!
I'm sorry if I've misled you in some way, desk clerk.
But I-I have to reiterate, I have a wife.
So, you're...
you're saying no?
There's really no way?
There's no way.
You are on my list, kiddo,
and that ain't a good place to be.
Can we be friends?
Uh, bear in mind, I have your address.
(ELEVATOR DOOR CHIMES)
- I'm sorry. - What?
I'm-I'm sorry, I can't.
- I can't. Oh, man. - What's the matter?
You're joking, right?
I... it's...
I don't know what it is. I just...
I can't, I'm sorry.
Unbelievable.
I was gonna surprise you, too.
Aww, that is so sweet!
But don't waste it on me.
Save it for a girl who really deserves it.
(SIGHS)
CECILY: Shh! Keep your fucking mouth shut.
Well, well, well.
Jason Campbell.
You, my friend, do not understand
the concept of structure.
You're an anti-beaver.
And unlike good beavers, you're a destroyer of dams.
Well, now little man,
justice has come to your bend of the river.
That was a good game tonight, Coach.
- Oh. - That's just great.
FRANCES: Fuck. Fuck.
- (DOOR OPENS) - (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
Oh, shit.
Cecily, open this door
and get that weasely son-of-a-bitch back up here!
JEREMY: What the hell's going on here?
Why don't you tell me what the hell's going on here?
Hey, anybody up for, um, a complimentary
Green Mountain tea down in the business center?
- Anyone? - CECILY: Uncle Jer!
He was cursing at me, and he called Jason a weasel.
Well, no, come on, Cecily.
I... I was witness.
He cursed, not at you.
But I will concede he did call Jason a weasel.
You called my niece a weasel?
She just explained it to you, jackass.
I called the weasely boyfriend a weasel.
Okay, you guys, come on, just take a deep breath.
This is getting just weird.
Screw it, I'm over this shit.
All of it.
Let's go.
(LAUGHING)
Really? That's where you wanna go?
Go anywhere you want, man.
You know, Jeremy, after careful evaluation,
you're really an asshole.
And you're an idiot.
That game tonight is on you.
- That was on me? - Yeah.
- It was on me, was it? - Yeah!
- Shhh. - Yeah.
Why don't you just walk away?
You walk the fuck away.
I'm tired of your bullshit and your grand morality.
All right, both of you, just stop it, all right.
Just stop, stop!
All right, guys, no. Go back to your rooms.
Come on, Robert, do something.
Give me a reason.
You know...
as much as I'd really like to punch you
- in the fucking windpipe right now... - GIRL: Oh, my God.
... I'm not gonna do that in front of these kids.
So back off.
Come on, guys, show's over.
Back to your rooms. Good night.
You're really lucky that Lila slept through all this.
Unfortunately, tomorrow she's gonna hear all about it.
You better hope that's all she hears about.
Really, Robert?
(SCOFFS)
Going out front for a Pall Mall.
Want one?
Sure.
DESK CLERK: There was also extensive damage to the pool area,
the fitness center,
and a large spray-painted image
of someone who looks like you
with penis arms in Room 316.
And, uh, who was in 316?
A Mr. Jason Campbell.
So, all of this going on my credit card?
- That hardly seems fair. - You're the head chaperone.
You're the responsible adult. The rules are the rules.
(EXHALES)
One more thing.
Mr. Campbell was not in my party.
You'll have to bill him for the penis arms.
Good day, ma'am.
Hey, did you have a good time?
We lost.
Did you fuck Frances at least?
Nope. Jeremy fucked Frances.
Nice game, Coach.
- DIANE: Hey, welcome back! - FRANCES: Hey.
- So they lost, huh? - Yeah.
That sucks.
(SIGHING)
So... ?
Almost third base.
- (GASPS) - Ugh. Don't feel like talking about it.
(SIGHING) What about here? Anything good happen?
Nah.
I might have to fuck an old man for an apartment.
Yep. It was one of those weekends.
Yeah.
(BANJO INTRO TO THE "THEME FROM MAHOGANY")
(TRAFFIC, STREET NOISE)
AGNES SINGING: ♪ Do you know where you're going to? ♪
♪ Do you like the things that life is showing you? ♪
♪ Where are you going to? ♪
♪ Do you know? ♪
♪ Do you get what you're hoping for? ♪
♪ When you look behind you, there's no open doors ♪
♪ What are you hoping for? ♪
♪ Do you know? ♪
♪ Once we were standing still in time ♪
♪ Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds ♪
♪ And you knew how I loved you, but my spirit was free ♪
♪ Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me ♪
Okay.
♪ Do you know where you're going to? ♪
♪ Do you like the things that life is showing you? ♪
♪ Where are you going to? ♪
♪ Do you know? ♪
Do you know?
Can I leave now?
Post-divorce life, no trip to the candy factory.
Well... it's definitely not as fun
as they make it look in the brochure.
♪ Sometimes... ♪
I think we should finally separate our assets.
This is the house where you nursed our children.
FRANCES DUFRESNE: They were toddlers.
Lila was drinking out of a glass,
Tom was practically rolling his own joints.
You, pretty mama, are healed.
I can go out? Anywhere?
I hate working, and with Gordon...
one-stop shopping. Does that make me a whore?
Maybe you could rob a bank and just, you know,
cut out the middleman?
This job is who I am. Don't take that away from me.
We've been making each other so happy, it's such a shame.
You've made it clear where your loyalty is.
It's with her, not with me.
♪ Just enjoy the ride ♪
FRANCES: I guess I couldn't know how hard it was gonna be.
Just knowing when it's worth it,
and when it's not.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)